Certainty

April 20, 2017

Dreams
I had a very vivid dream yesterday night that involved Lynn. It was one of those dreams where the premise is unrealistic but there aren’t any absurdities that would otherwise give it away that it’s a dream. And as such, it left quite an impression on me. To be honest, I’m not sure what I’m feeling exactly, but that’s perhaps because it’s an amalgamation of things. As the day goes on and I repeatedly try to reply the entire dream sequence in my head, I find that I’m much of it is fading but that one section of it is still mostly intact.

Meditation
I’ve been meditating daily since the new year, and I think it’s had a noticeable effect on me. My feelings about things haven’t really changed, but my outlook on them certainly have. Occasional bouts of loneliness still occur, but it’s no longer much of an option as a path down a depressive episode as it once was. The complex situation that is my work life and career are still something I think about (out of sheer duty), but I’m able to mind the emotions it stirs up in me much less when it inevitably happens.

“What do I want?”
Job searching has been really shitty. I had one interview which went great but ended up being a freelance gig. Haven’t gotten any replies from anything else. At this point, I’m just so not thrilled about what I do for work. And I ponder whether going to a better company will change anything. It will, I’m sure. Things will feel fresh and exciting until one day I’ll realize I hate where I work again. I want to do something else but I don’t even know what. That’s really what the issue is.

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Vestiges

December 31, 2016

I don’t know what I can’t believe more: that the year is already over, or that I can’t believe it. I only had one post this entire year, and so unfortunately it may seem like a sparse year for those looking on the outside. But, as I sit here and recount what happened this past year, I’m reminded that many things happened, both good and bad.

It was an interesting year; heartache, much like 2015, but in a different way. By the time that I began to recover from that soul-crushing love swoon, the myopia began to fade, and I was seeing more and more how the world is going to shit. And it’s not like I’m the only one that feels it. In fact it’s the opposite– everyone knows the world is going to shit, and you can feel that fear and tension weighing heavy on everyone’s soul. Add to the fact that a large number of cultural icons died this year, and it makes it hard to miss 2016. But that’s just the world and the context for which my life exists. Let’s see what happened to me this past year, in no particular order:

  • Played more ping pong
  • Launched an app at work
  • Got declined a raise at work
  • Went to Europe on a whim (“whim” by my standards)
  • Went to a pretty decent number of concerts
  • Went camping a few times
  • Had a panic attack for the first time
  • Kept my facial hair for an entire year for the first time, which also happened to start on a whim
  • Went to Colorado on a whim
  • Got into a car accident
  • Hit my first major financial milestone
  • Had an episode of Major Crimes filmed at my apartment complex
  • Seemed to get a little more proficient at the guitar, especially after really trying to focus on technique

So what’s it all mean? Nothing as far as I’ve realized. Just another year spent doing some fun things here and there, without any real purpose. I suppose the real “purpose” is that I’m saving up to buy a house, which seems to be the case if I felt like putting that thought into words. But then what? What happens when I buy that house? It’s the same idea for dating and having a relationship in general– and life, really. What happens after you get married, have kids? Hell, what happens after you raise them? I suppose I’ve been hesitant in making a move (“move” in a general sense) because I don’t want to make the wrong move, but it’s been making me more and more unhappy. There is something to be said for seizing the day and just going for it; but on the other hand, you could argue that they’re major decisions you’d be diving into. But, on another hand, who knows how much of a stable world will be left for us to live in by the time 2018 rolls around.

And so I am faced with that same promise of change going into the new year yet again. Work seems to be at a tipping point. My emotional state and well-being seems to be at a tipping point. The world– in its political, cultural, social, environmental– is at a tipping point. My life in general seems to be at a tipping point. 2016 really seemed to be the calm before the storm. I am sincerely a bit concerned of what will come of 2017.

I can’t leave off on such a sour note. I think it’s important to think positive thoughts. Not necessarily naive positivity, but an optimistic understanding that life will go on, and people find a way. From a scientific perspective, things want to reach equilibrium. I’m sure it’s just a matter of time.


Love Barely Alive

June 15, 2016

I had attempted to break off all communication with Lynn a few months ago and was successful up until yesterday. Outside of the birthday card I sent her and a handful of texts I made to blow off her invitations to hang out, I was doing alright. But as it winds down closer to the Real Estate concert, I became more and more saddened by the fact that the only person I’d want to go with has been unwillingly but voluntarily banished from my life. What obviously proceeded to happen was that I started thinking more about her, and then remembered how crappy it feels to miss her. I caved. “Progress is negligible. Still want you. Still miss you.” A minute later I followed up: “Still sucks.”

I was hit with a huge wave of anxiety immediately afterwards and had to focus on my breathing to snap myself out of it. At this point I felt regret, and still do, as a matter of fact. I regret that I was selfish and made my problem hers, and probably made her feel terrible for thinking she’s the one causing this situation when in fact it’s me– the one who can’t control my damn feelings and emotions. But this morning I woke up still with regret, but feeling a little relieved for what I have done. Perhaps it’s that I feel like I’ve made it clear again that I still have feelings for her, and that she will have to finally accept that she can’t continue to send me texts every once in a while like we’re still chums, or give dating me a try (This sounds incredibly scummy, to be certain, but fuck, man. I’m only human. I have feelings, too.)

At this point, there is still no reply. I’m mostly not expecting a reply, but part of me is also thinking that a reply is possible, and that she’s just processing what I’ve said like she did when I texted her that we can’t hang out anymore. That time, it took her about 2 days to get back to me, and I had said nothing to warrant a reply, much like I did this time. So we’ll see. My original plan was to text her that I miss her, to feel the waters, and invite her to the Real Estate concert either way. But now I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll be ok going with someone else. That relief is starting to settle in, and maybe I’m starting to accept her silence as a firm rejection, because her lack of outright rejection and her constant overly-friendly gestures really just confused the shit out of me to be perfectly honest, and that’s what kills me.

As the verse in this great Weezer song goes, “To my love we’ll say goodbye, to the things we’ll never try.”


Let’s Be at Peace, We’ll Fly

December 31, 2015

It looks like I made it to the end of another year. And to say the absolute least, 2015 sucked. It was really just a bummer all around. So, jumping right in:

The foundation for shitty basically started with work, and how it was never the same after coming back from Christmas vacation at the start of this year. Things were clearly going downhill. Then, in February, I told Lynn that I wanted to be more than friends and was promptly rejected. As much as I hate to admit it, I think that that really fucked me up– more than my crappy work situation at times. That whole situation was (and still is) an ongoing struggle to move past her, and it brought about a slew of emotional and general mental issues I’ve had throughout the year. It didn’t help that I went to lots of concerts with her, which just confused me even more. I struggled with maintaining emotional stability the whole year, basically because of Lynn. It ended up affecting my mood and outlook on things, pulling into various bouts of depression here and there. That really seems like it was the bulk of my mental year. It was just exhausting. I did move apartments, from the first floor to the second, and I think that that’s been one of the more positive experiences this year.

Well, to be fair, I guess not everything was complete shit. I did genuinely enjoy whatever time I spent with Lynn at concerts like FYF. And I do feel like I’ve grown as a person, in terms of maturity, sociability, and resilience. I like to think that I made more of an effort to be more outgoing. Hell, I actually went on a date with a girl I met online; there’s progress if I ever saw any.

And 2016? I think I’m a little overwhelmed by what 2016 may have in store, strictly because of how very, very crappy 2015 was. I have a lot to recover from. Let’s take a look at some of them:

Lynn. Honestly, I thought about asking her out again around the year mark of when I first did it. The stupid part of me still has hope, but the realistic me is screaming angrily for stoned me (for which I am most of the time) to move on. She might leave her company she works for now and come back. To be honest, I’m mostly sad and don’t want that to happen. It’s been about a month and a half since I last saw her, and I think I’m slowly (and I do mean slowly) getting over her. I recently made it a point to not encourage hanging out whenever we text, and to just be friendly and a bit removed. She’s not really good at keeping contact either, so we haven’t communicated much lately anyways. If she comes back, though, it’s going to be really tough for me. I hope I get over her completely by then, because I may just have to tell her we can’t be friends.

Work is going to be a whole new beast. I’m kind of excited, kind of scared. Either of those are better than feeling unfulfilled at work. I’m hoping we get more relevant work, and I’m hoping I start working on things I’m proud of. I really have no idea what to expect; I just hope I don’t regret sticking around for the acquisition.

Lots of hope and hoping, so far. Continuing on:

I need to travel more. This year, I’m not even going to force the “international” aspect onto it. Any travel will do. I want to camp more. I want to do weekend trips more. I need to just get out of the city. I feel like I waited around too much in 2015, which was reminiscent of 2011 me. I had waited around for other people to do things with, but then I dialed that back a few years ago. But I found myself reverting back to my old ways in 2015. Time to dial that back again in 2016. I need some control back.

These past few months have been a struggle emotionally. My loneliness was annoying to have constantly on my mind, and I found myself really trying to “figure it out” to whatever extent that it would ameliorate the dull sensation of having nothing to grab onto for support, for companionship. I don’t have it figured out by any means yet, but I feel like I’ve made progress towards figuring it out eventually. Interestingly enough, I was compelled to research how Buddhists address loneliness after reading about the guitarist from Stone Temple Pilots describing a memory of them on their tour bus that really spoke about how lonely Scott Weiland was despite being surrounded by family and friends, which presumably was the reason for his demise from his overdose. Anyways, that’s just to say that I don’t want to be that lonely. And if I am that lonely, I want to be able to deal with it objectively. Like I said, I think I’ve made small progress within the past few weeks, and I hope there will be more soon enough.

And lastly: the state of the world. Too much hate. Too much fear. Too much ignorance. Too much violence. What a terrible way to live.

So that’s my annual year-end wrap up. 2015 sucked. 2016 will be better.


Untitled 27

December 20, 2015

Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.

Carl Jung


But We Always Seem to Just Fallout

October 27, 2015

Something is telling me to write in this thing, and so here I am. Unlike a couple of posts I’ve typed up but never published this year, I think I will publish this post regardless of what gibberish I end up pouring out onto this here text editor.

I suppose the best place to start is at where I left off in my last post, in which Lynn was leaving work to go to another company, and things were uncertain at work. The work thing has somewhat resolved: we definitely got acquired by a bigger agency, and yes, it appears we were on the brink of going out of business (perhaps due to poor management and business decisions). Things at work continued to be slow since the acquisition, with interactive work only barely starting to pick up. I continue to question my role in this company, and my existence in general– the former of which is to blame for the latter– but have slowly started to cope with the happenings (or lack thereof) in my life.

I know it’s premature for me to reflect on 2015 already, but boy oh boy, fuck a duck, am I ready for this year to pass. It has been an emotional drain for me despite how little I accomplished. The “emotional drain” wasn’t the cause of “how little I accomplished”, and vice-versa, but they were both certainly symbiotic in terms of magnifying the effects of one another. Work never did pick back up since the year started, to the golden days of work where I was constantly productive, which has changed me into a lethargic, slow, unmotivated, chump. That has been pretty tough for me to handle mentally, in addition to the whole Lynn situation.

The Lynn situation should be considered a closed case, but I can’t seem to “close” it because I’m a dumb, masochistic, piece of shit. I want to be over her, but it’s been a struggle since she is by far the best concert buddy I’ve ever had. That’s hardly the main reason why I can’t get over her, though. Of course it’s because I like being around her, which is why I’m trying so hard to be her friend and ignore the pull of attraction and romantic garbage I think and feel when I think of her. I’ve already started to feel like we’re slowly growing more and more distant since she’s stopped working here. I’ve realized a lot of what we talked about was about work. And since she doesn’t work there anymore, nor do many of the people we talk about, conversation doesn’t seem as substantial as it once did. This makes me sad because it feels like something special ended. On the other hand, it’s my way out, or the start of a new phase of my friendship with her; who knows. For now, there is no plan other than be a good friend. Maybe I’ll ask her out again next year if I still have such strong feelings for her. If I do and she still turns me down, I don’t know how I could still be her friend without going crazy. Inevitably she’s going to talk about guys she’s dating, and it’s going to feel horrible, like it already feels whenever she briefly mentions it in passing now. And perhaps that’s what scares me the most: I don’t know how to, or even if I can, be her friend if she’s with another guy– but I want to.

My inability to cultivate a romantic relationship with Lynn has made me reflect on my romantic life in general. And in that sense, I suppose it has propelled me towards the right direction in terms of opening up and putting myself out there. I cringe at that phrase, but I know it’s what I have to do. I find myself doing that, but slowly. Truth be told, it’s exhausting and tedious, and almost doesn’t seem worth it. In the meantime, I’ve also been trying to be a better friend, so I’ve been putting more effort into maintaining those friendships. My hope is that, despite what happens in 2016 career-wise, I’ll still have a more interesting life because I travel more, accomplish (or at least start working towards) my other interests, and have more meaningful friendships. 2015 so far has just felt overwhelmingly like a quarter-life crisis, another low-point in my life, a dress rehearsal for who knows what, and a waste of time. I am so over this.


Have You Got Nothing to Say

June 10, 2015

Much has changed since my last post, but the tone and mood of it all has not. Things are still in limbo at work, if not even more so than before. It became news to me a few weeks ago that the company I work for may be getting acquired by a bigger company. It also became news to me around the same time that my boss might potentially have a job offer and may end up leaving if she gets a worthwhile offer. You can imagine how torn I became upon hearing those pieces of information. I’ve been waiting patiently for the past few weeks hoping to hear an announcement regarding the acquisition, and what that means for everyone’s job. But, just like everyone else at work who knows (who somehow found out because apparently no one is supposed to know), I’ve been stressed by the lack of announcement. And now today, my coworker told me some story that may or may not be true about how we may not be getting acquired at all, and that we might be going under. But who knows if that’s true. That was heard second hand by a close coworker who said our other coworker told her (said other coworker is known to be a conniving person). That aside, we are losing four of our designers– one of which is Lynn.

Truthfully, I am happy for her. She got a great offer to work somewhere so much closer to where she lives, and to have more responsibilities, so it’s great experience for her. I’m just going to miss her. And it makes me sick to my stomach thinking about how this office will be a month from now, all gloomy and grim, without her there to make things better. And if my boss is gone, too? I guess I’d practically be forced to leave.

Oh yeah, I’m moving to the second floor of my apartment complex. Thank fucking Jesus. I reckon that after I finish moving and settling in, I’ll get deep the job searching game again and not stop unless I hear news of what’s gonna happen with the company– which is likely never, given how there’s no transparency at all here. It truly feels like the end of a chapter the way things are happening here; like it’s some season finale of a shitty TV show. What’s going to happen? Find out next season!


February, April Said

May 4, 2015

I was going to say that I believe this to be a pivotal moment in my life, but I don’t think that’s quite it. A more correct way of phrasing it is to probably say that this is nearing the end of a life-changing chapter in my life. As I’m finally taking more serious steps in changing jobs, I feel like I’ll be leaving behind a part of my identity as well. Life since I started this job has been interesting to say the least. Lots of growing happened. And as a result, I’ve grown pretty sentimentally attached to where I am now. It’s definitely a similar feeling to the one I had when I left the last company. It’s a mix of readiness and apprehension.

Readiness
Shit’s been slow at work. Real, real slow. On one hand, the news is that we have some big projects from big clients coming in– or are in the works, anyways. But as of late, I’ve practically been paid to do nothing. The office has changed ever since we got back from our last Winter vacation. The pace is completely different, and the dynamics in the office seems a bit off kilter. I think, though, that maybe it’s just the former influencing me in a way that causes the latter. Despite my frequent boredom at work, I don’t talk to my coworkers as much as I used to. Maybe it’s me trying to justify my job search; “It’ll be easier to leave by not being so attached to them”, I think to myself. It’s likely that I’m also partially influenced by what happened between me and Lynn (or lack of what happened, hah). I love her as a friend and as a person, about as much as I love my close friends. But these other feelings– romantic feelings– are getting in the way. And so it’s hard to be that good friend I try to be without those other emotions becoming louder unless I completely avoid any contact with her. So yeah, maybe I’m ready to leave because I need to forget about someone, more than I need to leave because I’m not growing any skills where I am now.

Apprehension
I’m nervous about leaving. As stated above, I ain’t done shit in the past few months, and so I worry that my skills are extremely subpar at the moment. I’m slowly reminded of all the effort I need to start making as I transition from sloth mode I’ve been in for the last few months, to normal working human being mode. Not only that, I gotta make new friends again. What if my new coworkers suck? And then the commute. That’s gonna suck if my coworkers don’t. I’m going to lose a lot of comforts I have now, and the only thing moving me forward is Mr. Feeny’s garden metaphor, and the need to feel like I’m accomplishing something again. Can’t rest of my laurels.


Swing Lo Magellan

March 23, 2015

There is this uncomfortable feeling I’ve been feeling lately that seemed to have come on shortly after that whole coworker episode I outlined in my last entry. This feeling isn’t entirely new, though. It wasn’t entirely brought on by the incident itself, only in part. Perhaps you’ve felt it, too; that feeling of helplessness, knowing that you are alone in your own mind controlling this entity–this human being– known as yourself. I recall experiencing this existential thought as a kid (age 7 or 8 is what’s coming to mind, but who knows if that’s accurate). That particular instance of helplessness yielded 25% depression, 30% confusion, and 45% fear. It was enough fear to understand that I probably don’t want to think about it. And so I didn’t for the most part. I guess it’s now coming more to the forefront of my thoughts, and it’s now woven into these more mature themes that comprise my life and how it affects them.  Nowadays, whenever I have that thought, the numbers work themselves out to be something along the lines of 80% depression, 1% confusion, 9% fear, and 10% optimism (fear and optimism often teeter back and forth between 9% and 10% depending on my mood). I’m not sure where I was going to go with this post, because clearly I have no resolution.

I guess what I need to get out is what I want. What do I want to do with my life? Is it enough to just have a good job and be living comfortably? I read an article today about how we’re all depressed because the standard for happiness has been raised high as fuck.* “The grass is greener on the other side.” I essentially try to quell the uneasiness I’ve been experiencing by reminding myself to enjoy the ride. In framing my life in that perspective, it becomes easier to cope with everything because I understand that this is slump is fleeting in the grand scheme of things. Perspective. That’s probably what the takeaway here is. I might sleep better tonight after I repeat “What’s the fucking rush?” a few time.

— an argument can certainly be made for rushing, though! And that’s where this whole vicious cycle gets its viciousness, so I’ll end it there, otherwise I could keep going back and forth saying the same shit over and over again. (Like I haven’t done that already.)

* It’s a pretty loose interpretation, but that’s essentially the message.


Beast of Burden

February 16, 2015

I expressed my feelings to my coworker this past Tuesday afternoon, on one of our typical smoke breaks. I took a puff and then just told her. To be honest, everything that happened after that was a bit of a blur. Telling a girl who I genuinely care about that I like her puts me in such primal survival state of mind that I can’t seem to perfectly recall the incident– pathetic, is my point. Let me just break it down as so:

  • she turned me down
  • she said “she thought about it”
  • her reasons against it included “it’d be weird dating a coworker,” “I wouldn’t want to ruin anything between us,” and “now’s just not a good time in my life”
  • she said something about me being her good friend and then went on a diatribe about how she was really missing her guy friends from home the other day, and then tied that back to her needing me as a friend (as I interpreted it)

So, needless to say, I’ve been feeling bit blue. The remainder of the week just dragged on; it wasn’t horrible and I wasn’t completely devastated or anything like that. I really just didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be around my coworker or even hear her voice cuz it would just make me think of the crappy emotional slump I’m having to endure until that moment I finally snap out of it and move on. But, being the beautiful spirit that she is (or, y’know, a normal mature adult), she acted like nothing happened and was, in fact, a smidge chummier than usual. I read that as her trying to let me know that she’s not gonna be weird about it if I’m not. Sure. But, damn, it’s hard.

“You know, I thought about it,” she said. She could have thought about it for a split second for all I know, but I see that as hope. This is, of course, the wrong thing to be thinking, and I completely understand that. The problem is that the thought doesn’t seem that easy to let go at the moment. So, given my disdain for work itself lately, and the recent events between me and my coworker, I’m just about done here. I officially finished updating my portfolio, and I actually applied to two jobs. I figure, worse case scenario: they decline.

However, I’m enjoying the fact that this is a three day weekend for me. I just bought a bike today off of Craigslist for $70. I think I got a bargain. Call it my quarter-life crisis, akin to that of my mid-life crisis where I’ll have worked my way up to a real motorcycle. But in all seriousness, I’ve been meaning to get one so I can get to close places that are far by walking standards. Other than that, Chuck Klosterman has been keeping me company the past few days. Reading is starting to become therapeutic, and I think it’s great because I don’t read enough. I’m picking up hiking, too. So tomorrow (or today, rather), I’ll be going to Topanga State Park. Apparently it’s the tits. I just need to get out more.