When in This Charming Car

November 21, 2010

I was just getting onto the freeway from the on-ramp, going extremely slow behind this stupid Honda Odyssey.  Annoyed yet patient, I check my left side mirrors a couple of times and glance at my rearview mirror a few times too to check if I could safely change lanes without cutting anyone off, away from this prick driving so god damn slow.  My eyes are darting back and forth between the car in front of me, the left side mirror, and my rearview mirror, when all of the sudden I notice the headlights behind me flickering.  I didn’t pay much attention to it at first, assuming that car was going over some bumpy parts in the road and causes the headlights to shine up and down (thus flicker).  But that was not the case.  The mother fucker was flashing his high beams at me.  And it wasn’t as if it was a little car who couldn’t notice the van in front of me being the slow one– it was a stupid SUV.  Infuriated, I turn on the console light and throw up my middle finger.  Unfortunately, I did this while the asshole was changing lanes.  I was already pretty angry at the stupid-most likely-Asian lady driver in front of me, but when I saw those brights go on an off, I wanted to ram high beam-flashing car into the center divider, pull the driver out, and beat the shit out of them.  So when they darted to the lane to the left after they finished being a bitch to me, I waited for my chance and changed lanes and sped up right behind them.  I tailgated those bastards and flashed my high beams four or five times, then went over to the lane to the left of them, drove up next to them, turned on my center console light, and flipped them off again.  I was watching for traffic ahead of me, but I noticed they immediately darted a few lanes away from me to the right.  I hope I scared them shitless.

While I’m on the topic of driving, I’ll share some other thoughts on the subject.   Can you fucking smokers NOT throw your still lit cigarettes out the window while you’re still driving?  That fucking shit hits my car.  Don’t throw anything out the fucking window while you’re at it.  Is it really that hard not to just leave your trash in a small nook in your car until you stop somewhere?  Don’t be a bitch.  And again:  why is it so hard for people to drive at a constant speed?  Go slow, I don’t care.  Go fast, I don’t care.  But stick to one fucking speed!  When I go to pass you, don’t speed up and try to block me from changing lanes.  You are NOT doing anyone any favors.  What you’re doing is being a bitch, and really pissing off the driver who’s just wants to pass you and get on with their lives.  I used to mutter ill-will to people I see driving faster than me.  But now I really don’t care as long as they show some decency when the drive fast.  Signaling is a good indicator.  Not cutting people off to a point where it’s actually dangerous is the another.  And staying out of the fast lane if you’re driving slow is the other.  Do people not remember the page in the California  Driving Handbook that shows a picture of the lanes on a freeway?  The furthest lane to the left is called the fast lane, where–yes, you guessed it:  the cars going the fastest drive.  And as you make your way rightward, the speed of the vehicles decrease.  So if you’re doing 65 in the fast lane, I’m afraid that any honks, middle fingers, dirty stares, flashing brights, and cut-offs you get are more than justified (and quite frankly encouraged if you’re really holding up traffic).  Really now, get the fuck out of the fast lane if you’re not doing AT LEAST 75 while there are a decent amount of cars on the road.  If you’re driving at 4am and your the only car on the freeway, by all means drive how ever you want.  Drive backwards for all I care.  Just stay out of every considerate and respectful drivers’ way when you’re sharing the road with them.

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