There’s Nothing in You for the Light to Hit

June 17, 2011

This post is a cluster-fuck of ideas that have strong connections in my head, but read like vomit because I don’t have the patience or attention-span to clearly associate the ideas together.  You are warned.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my life lately–about what I’ve accomplished, where I am in life, what I’m doing, what I’m going to do, where I’m going to go–and I just get this huge mixed bag of emotions.  On one hand, I’m content with my life; I don’t feel like I’m doing so terrible.  I graduated from college and found a job somewhat immediately afterwards.  But that there is the source of the other emotion(s), the primary one likely (yes, ‘likely’ as in “I’m unsure what the dominant ‘other’ emotion is at the moment”) being disappointment.  All I’ve done with my life so far is so cookie cutter.  It bums me out to think that other people got to study abroad, travel, move to other places.  I’m not questioning my happiness for them, as I am indeed genuinely happy for all my friends who are/were experiencing what–I feel is–an ideal life of young 20-something year-old adult.  That is, trying to experience as much as you can while you’re still young.  I suppose part of that is to see if I really can be 100% independent, away from my comfort zone, embracing adventure, and not being a little bitch.  So far, little bitch.

I’ve been keen on developing a more minimalistic life/lifestyle for a while now.  I follow a blog about minimalism, and today, the blogger posted a story about her younger brother, who apparently is an even more minimalist than she is.  Her brother pretty much has so few things that he’s able to live out of a suitcase as he travels around the world, do freelance engineering stuffs.  He has no rent to pay, no mortgage, no nothing, and the blogger said that her brother found it actually cheaper to just stay in hotels/motels/whatever.  Obviously I don’t want to do that forever.  But the idea of being able to travel wherever you want, whenever you want is so incredibly liberating, and I want to experience that just once before I physically can’t anymore.  That is why I’ve always wanted to backpack through Europe for a few months.  I dare say that if I had a bucket list, that would be at number one right now.

I seem to like bumming myself out by comparing my small flimsy list of accomplishments (if you can even call it that) to others who are around my age.  There is this guy at my work who helped me out with some promotional images I had to do.  I thought he was at least three or four years older than me, but I later found out he’s the exact same age as I am, working a job that I would love to do, and doing the job really really damn well.  That makes me feel a little bit terrible, but then I also think:  “if I reached my goal of obtaining a job I really enjoy at this age, where would I go for the next 30-some-odd-years?”  That’s not to say I wouldn’t take the job were I given the chance.  But it’s a little comforting to consider that the process of arriving at your goal is part of the… I really can’t think of the right word.  Fun?  Excitement?  I’m sure when I reread this I’ll know what I mean, but will still not know what word to use.  Ultimately though, I think what is actually “bumming” me out is that I’m worried about how I’m going to get to my goal.  I’m scared.  I’m in-experienced and I’m a complete amateur in the field I want to go in.  And quite honestly, I’m not sure how feasible grad-school is at this point.  Is it even worth the investment of money, and quite possibly more important, time?  Or should I work my ass off to somehow get into what I want to do instead while I work a job I have no interest in.  Because while reaching my career goal and backpacking through Europe is the prize I’m set on winning, the ultimate prize is to retire at a relatively young age.  And I probably won’t be able to do that if I don’t rake in the money since, as we all know, we will not be getting shit from social security by the time we’re ready to retire.

The upshot to all this depressing shit, though, is motivation.  I realize the same exact thing every time I compare myself to my peers who are doing better than I am.  Aside from being really talented, they work their asses off to get what they want and to be good at what they do.  Everyone tells you this when they try to motivate you, but it’s not until you experience first-hand how other people did/do things differently than you to get to what they want, is it that you actually start to feel the motivation to actually try harder.  Laziness be damned.

Some phrases I find myself trying to live by after telling them to other people (I’d be a huge hypocrite if I didn’t):
– Don’t be such a little bitch.
– Don’t be such a lazy ass.

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