I’m a Sinner, I’m a Saint

July 29, 2012

I’ve recently become privy to some secrets regarding my boss that she doesn’t want getting out to the rest of our department.  The first is that she’s pregnant.  The second is that her husband, who also used to work in our department but then quit, is now working at the other company that the founder of my company started and are now kind of rivals because they’ve harvested a good lot of our old employees.  So, I’ve been thinking about what I could do with this information.  I’ve had a few thoughts here and there.  But the most recent one made me grin heartily, as there are a few elements in there that is just so incredibly disrespectful for someone to say to their boss.  This scenario goes as follows:

I walk into our next one-on-one meeting and then say to her, “So (boss’s name) how’s (husband’s name) doing at (rival company’s name)?  It’s great that (husband’s name) has a job again, now that you’re pregnant and all.  It’ll be nice to have another steady income for your new baby!  How far along are you anyways?”
Then she’ll look at me with her crazy eyes in shock, and will be like, “What?”  She’ll proceed to ask, “How do you know about all of this?  Did you tell anybody?”
I would lean back in my chair, now confident that I’ve got her where I want her, and then, with my fingers tapping against each other (a la Mr. Burns) say like they do in the movies, “This depends.  What can you do for me?”
She’d then retort in disgust and anger at my insolence:  “Are you blackmailing me?”
I’d look at her right in the eyes for another few seconds with a grin on my face while I continue to tap my fingers.  Then, suddenly, I would smile, rock forward back into the regular position on my chair and then tell her reassuringly, “No, I’m just fuckin’ with ya.”
She would look at me with relief with a hint of bitterness.
“I just wanted to be an asshole for once, just to see what it’s like.  You make it look so fun,” I would quip.

Ah.  If only it could happen like this.  Awkwardness upon blackmail upon insult.  That’s like super combo move in Street Fighter where the scene goes in slow motion, and then ends in “K.O.!”  Of course, with fear of losing my job aside, I’m too nice to actually do any of this.  I’d slash her tires instead.  All four of them.  And then smear poop on her door handles.  But yeah.  Too nice to blackmail her.

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