Lonely, That’s Not Quite My Problem

February 6, 2013

Why does it seem like I have to constantly be vying for attention at work?  I hate to consider myself that guy who wants to fit in, but I can’t help it.  Why is it that it’s so hard for me to get included in some conversations, and why can’t I seem to be that person everyone comes talk to randomly?  I know I’m blowing this out of proportion, and I at the moment of typing this, I don’t care.  My boss seems to have long conversations about random shit with other people except for myself.  It’s not just my boss though, but everyone else.  She’s just the primary example because I’m supposed to be working closely with her, for fucksakes.  And it’s not like I don’t try to initiate conversation.  She and everyone else seems to just let the conversation die after a few IMs back and forth.  Meanwhile, everyone else gets some long, ongoing conversation about god knows what.  The fact must be that I’m just boring as shit, or not very personable.  Whatever, fine.  If they’ve pegged me as that guy that isn’t interesting, I don’t need them pegging me as the guy who’s uninteresting and tries too hard to fit in.  I’m done and over it.  Unless I’ve got something profound to say, you won’t find me coming to them for attention.
What I’m not done and over is how my boss is slowly neglecting giving me direction.  A lack of conversation is one thing, but not really giving me directions on how to do my work is another.  I suppose I should be talented, self-motivated, and independent-thinking enough to do this shit on my own without much guidance from her (and I am to an extent), but she typically ends up correcting the shit I do and wants me to redo things.  So now all I think is, “why the fuck can’t we just take 30 minutes to walk through this shit before I waste my time on this?”  She’s always extremely busy, and in high-demand by everyone in the office and pretty much all of our clients.  And I still think she’s a great boss to have– one of the best I’ve had, for sure, but god fucking damnit, give me some more of your time and give me some more clear directions!  But what am I going to do?  Tell her that?  Like she doesn’t already know.  I’d just be that asshole who’s boring as shit, tries too hard to fit in, and is needy.  No thank you.  I’ll just bite my tongue and try not to look so uninteresting, douchy, and overly eager.


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