Your Circuit’s Dead, There’s Something Wrong

March 14, 2013

I subconsciously (or consciously, I can’t quite tell at the moment) stress myself out at work. While I don’t completely consider my job to be strictly coming up with ideas on how to layout a website and think through how it works, it’s pretty much all I do.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  It’s just that even though I’m lazy and unambitious at times, I personally believe that I’m someone who doesn’t accept mediocrity.  As I consider this characteristic of mine, I foresee it being both the driving factor to whatever successes I’ve had and will have, as well as whatever downfall I may eventually (but hopefully not) endure. Trying to constantly and consistently come up with new kinds of layouts and interaction models is tiresome. And it bruises my almost non-existent– almost undeserved– ego when someone picks apart my designs and tells me everything that’s wrong with it, or when I see other websites and mobile apps who have done things I’ve never thought of before. That’s where my self-confidence slowly dwindles, and in turn, so does my excitement and love I have for my job and what I do, which ultimately affects my mood.  Sad truth, but it’s something I’m learning to accept, and hopefully fix about myself.

Something no one aside from my close friends know is that I have given okcupid a fair shake for more than a year now.  It was rough at first, but I think I eventually figured out how to at least get some viewers to my profile.  The problem is communication.  I’d get some conversations going, and it would eventually just stop.  Maybe my online writing voice is too rigid and professional, and lacks any kind of character and vibrancy that even “hahas” and emoticons couldn’t fix. (Or maybe they can; I rarely use them, so maybe that’s where I’m going wrong.) Sadly, I’ve mostly resigned to logging on to pass the time by looking at women’s pictures and reading their profiles. Ultimately, I am convinced that I am just a terrible conversationalist, or at least not good enough to make up for my lack of good looks.  As a result, I don’t know what to make of the website anymore.  Everyone is so incredibly superficial despite whatever kind of open-mindedness they’re trying to convey on their profile.  I sometimes get messages from girls who I am incredibly unattracted to, but I at least write back a “thanks but not interested” kind of message to those who actually wrote something that actually warrants a response. Moreover, 99.9% of the profiles who I’ve sifted through their questions they answered mark “I’ve never been in a relationship before” as unacceptable. I’m not completely sure what I feel everytime I see that, but I’d venture to guess that it’s anger. This goes back to a post I wrote before about how I’d rather be alone than in some miserable relationship where I know it’s going to end, or where I’m not happy. Clearly, that’s stupid. “Get into a relationship for fun; for the experience.” That’s probably what everyone else would say, but that just sounds like terrible advice. OR, I’m just cold-hearted and afraid to be vulnerable and let myself into that position of wading the deep, unknown waters of a relationship where, at any minute, something might drag me down to the dark bottom; a.k.a. taking a chance on someone/giving someone a chance. That’s probably it, since the rest of the world is the polar opposite of that.  Not sure where to go from here since I’ve hit this same wall for a while now. I’m tempted to try other dating sites, but at the same time, I want to chance it and hope that I meet someone in a real-life situation.

On a similar note (a note I couldn’t be bothered to figure out how to work into the paragraph above), I’ve noticed that I’m more attracted to women older than me. I think that’s always been the case. Having grown up and hanging around with my older sister and all of her friends a lot, I think I’ve inadvertently matured quicker than others in some ways. That maturation never really tapered off, and to this day, I feel like I’m 2-4 years more mature than most people my age are. This is probably why I’m attracted to women who are independent, have actual careers, and generally know what they want because they really don’t give a fuck about any of the petty bullshit younger girls seem to get caught up in. That’s also probably why I have such an awkward personality. I think I’m struggling to establish one kind of personality. On one side I have the immature, stupid me who’s supposed to be 24 and doing stupid shit. But that’s often getting cut off by the wannabe mature 28 year-old who’s trying to hit some measurable success by the time he’s 30. This internal mental discord makes for an awkward human being who can’t seem to be himself, can’t experience things as they are, and can’t speak normally because two different mindsets are interfering. But that’s just my own introspective assessment. My next goal is to figure out a solution.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: