You Can Change Them, Rearrange Them In Your Mind

March 20, 2013

As I get older, I seem to have less and less to talk about.  I can’t tell if this has always been a problem though.  As I recall from my youth, and practically up until college, I’d have something to talk about with people.  But I guess that’s not saying much since I would basically talk to the same exact people I’ve known for a long time.  Nowadays, I can barely come up with decent topics to keep a conversation with my coworkers afloat.  It concerns me how it seems to be getting progressively worse as time goes on.
I was recently reminded that I’m an INTJ (of the MBTI), and reread the description of it.  Seems that I didn’t care enough, or it didn’t apply to me that much before, because now that I’ve reread it, I find that it is absolutely correct in describing me.  “It is not easy for the INTJ to express their internal images, insights, and abstractions.” Well, that pretty much hit the nail on the head. At work, I practically sound like I’m have a stroke because my thought process runs so much faster than what my brain can actually process to speak. 90% of the time I end up sounding repetitive and uninsightful, which is annoying because I feel like I have a ton of shit I need to say. “However, their extreme respect of knowledge and intelligence will motivate them to explain themselves to another person who they feel is deserving of the effort.” Another line that is accurate. This one is the kicker: “In the absence of properly developing their communication abilities, they may become abrupt and short with people, and isolationists.” The sad and regretful truth. I’ll have to try and fix this somehow. I need to stop talking about work so much and have a life outside of it. But even when I strike up a conversation about something else, I often get this strange sensation like I don’t really care. In all honesty, it really is a mental sensation turned physical; that is, I slowly get exhausted in trying to maintain focus and trying to care. Trying to focus is actually what distracts me from having a natural conversation since I’m constantly thinking to myself, “FOCUS. FOCUS.” Instead I should be thinking through what the other person is saying and developing a response instead. Even this I’m overthinking.  I’m not really interested in coming up a solution to this problem anymore.  I’m hoping it’ll sort itself out somehow.  Maybe a lightbulb will go off mid-conversation tomorrow.

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