I Never Saw the Point in Trying

May 22, 2013

I’m at that point where I’m fed up with being fed up with work–which is pretty much one of the last stages of “hating work”, right behind “complete and utter apathy” (which I hope I find a new job before it ever comes to that).  How do I get out of feeling bitter about essentially not getting enough attention at work?  There’s no way to ignore it, especially since I go through that feeling of being unneeded, unappreciated, and unheard practically every single day.  After careful consideration, I’ve decided to try my hardest to implement what I’ve learned from those few sessions of mediation I’ve done in the past:  acknowledge this bitterness and resentment I feel, and allow myself to let it go as I’m feeling it.  So far, I like to think that it’s working.  Whenever I feel myself starting to get worked up, I’ll allow myself to take that all in, and then think of that bundle of hate as just another thought that I can let pass under me like a wave.  I’ve also tried to be more positive at work, which is probably more difficult to do than ignoring my emotions.  I’m not sure if I’m doing a good job or not, but frankly, I’m not sure I care all that much.  Yes, my boss did say that it would be nice if I could be more enthusiastic about our projects.  She really didn’t need to tell me that; I already knew it.  Still with her saying that, I figure that as long as I finish my work at the best of my abilities, and I’m not being rude or lazy with my boss, then I’m fine.  At least she acknowledged that I get my work done, so at least I know I’m doing something right.

I think the lesson to be learned here is that I shouldn’t get so emotionally invested in work or anything related to it.  My coworker and I have discussed this on several occasions about how there are just some people who can completely remove themselves from the work environment and the company itself.  That is, when it’s time to quit, they do it without feeling any remorse.  When it’s 6:30pm, work is done, no matter what deadlines they’re on.  Some people can do that.  I would be one of those who cannot.  It’s difficult when a lot of my identity and life revolves around my career.  It eats into my personal life– my interests.  I can’t talk about anything else a lot of the times because if I’m not thinking about all the bullshit at work, I’m thinking and reading about what I work on.  But maybe it’s time to separate my career from my workplace.  Maybe I need to think:  Work is where I apply and work towards my career interests, and that I need to not let the people at work into my personal life.  Because even if I attempted to let them into my personal life, I would fail (like I’ve been doing), and it’s always easier to not do something and not be let down than it is to try, fail, and be depressed (like I’ve been doing).

On a similar note, while I’m already typing, I sometimes feel like I’m incredibly mentally unstable.  Not insane, per se.  But not completely there.  All of this introspection does something to my mind that’s incredibly discomforting; it makes me question all of my own thoughts, my mental processes, my outlook, my judgments.  So much so, actually, that I burn myself out to the point where I feel mentally ill and feel like I have no where else to go inside my head.  I really don’t know if anyone else has these thoughts, aside from clinically insane people.  I figure others don’t, or at least hide it incredibly well.  I, on the other hand, have very little patience to mask my disdain and emotional changes for long periods of time.  I’ve resigned to projecting the neutral, unenergetic mood that most people that know me are familiar with, for anything more than that will tire me out.  Faking enthusiasm and happiness is something I’ve learned that I am 100% terrible at doing.  I’m aware that it’s off-putting, which makes me even more sad because I know I’m probably doomed to a life of loneliness because of it.

In short, I can’t and shouldn’t be anything more than professional towards my coworkers because it’s ultimately work.  Projecting any sort of personality outside of the usual friendly professionalism will probably get ignored or misconstrued, and will ultimately be wasted energy.  I’m through wondering why I don’t fit in.  It’s just not worth it.

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