Under Pressure

June 7, 2013

It’s become painfully obvious to me that my social skills are on the decline as I get older. Either that, or I’m just becoming more cognizant of how god damn uninteresting I am to not be able to hold a conversation with another human being. Regardless, it has taken a toll on my worklife, which started a little bit at my last job but is now pretty much completely obvious now at my current job. My previous posts have touched upon how I’m rarely someone people come up to to strike up a conversation at work. It’s always about work if someone talks to me–which sadly, I welcome because at least then I’m held accountable for something and not just overlooked in part of the process. But that’s another story for another time that I’ve told a million times. I hate to be petty and just “give up” on trying to be more social (though what I think I really need to do is be more interesting), but I think it’s time I stop trying to keep up with these people.

My coworkers all have these quirks that make them so much more “interesting” than me. One worked at a big music company that happens to be one of our clients, so he knows a lot of mutual people as well as the ins-and-outs how poorly things are run; essentially, all the gossip. Another dude is just quirky and says and does weird things that happen to make for interesting conversational topics. Everyone has something that makes them “them.” I have difficultly identifying what I am. “Who him? The boring guy? Yeah, not much to say about him but I guess he’s nice.” Yuuuuuuuuup, exactly like that. Always. Anyways, in following giving up on trying to keep up with them, I’m toying with the idea of just avoiding social outing with them altogether.

Why go and feel like I’m just there out of pity most of the time. Like I’m an afterthought. Sure I’m a part of conversations, but I can’t seem to ever feel like they care that I’m there. Not only that, I don’t think I’ve ever said anything groundbreaking to earn my keep at the table, so to speak. Everything just feels like it’s forgettable filler between all the fascinating shit everyone else says. How much of that feeling is someone who happens to be incredibly introspective supposed to take before they start beating themselves for being so dull; for being themselves? Just an hour or so ago, my coworker sent me a text to go out for drinks with him, my boss, and two other coworkers after I had already gotten home. But I declined because A) thank you for inviting me after I left the office because I was not important enough to be included in the conversation to begin with in the office, and B) I kind of already had plans (but still probably could have made it for a beer). As usual, I realize how I am blowing things out of proportion. And as usual, I can’t help it. I just don’t like feeling like a charity case. If you don’t care enough to talk to me during work because you’re all so busy even though you all talk to each other, then you probably don’t care enough to talk to me outside of work. I give up. I doubt it’s much different anywhere else, but it’s just another reason to leave. They probably won’t miss me, but let’s see if they miss all the work I do.

Sudden epiphany:  what if I actually hate these people but I’ve just fooled myself into thinking I like them and that I’m just irritated at them? Sadly, that doesn’t sound too far fetched.


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