It’s Real

June 25, 2013

Ah yes. Another day where I’m put on the back burner by my boss. How it happened today:  I send my work over for her to review, she takes 20 minutes to get back to me that she’s going to send me notes, she spends 40 minutes to post her notes, she tells me “you don’t even need to get these done tonight”, and the time she said that was 7:15pm. Oh geeze.  That’s fucking great. You couldn’t have told me that earlier when it was fucking 6:30? I tried to remind her by saying, “must be a lot of edits, haha” and she replies, “oh not at all. i just keep getting interrupted.” That’s worse. That.is.fucking.worse. Not only could you have just told me to go home any time in the middle of your interruptions, but it’s also the fact that you didn’t seem to think my fucking time was important enough to warrant you saying to your interrupter, “hold on one sec–” and then typing to me, “this can wait until tomorrow. you can go home.” But whatareyougonnado.  I think I can finally say that I truly hate my boss as my boss without any hesitation. I keep teetering between wanting to leave, and not.

Under the reasons for leaving, I have:

  • constantly unappreciated
  • often lack direction in projects
  • I want to punch my boss in her pretty little face and then push her off the balcony
  • not delegated enough responsibilities
  • feeling bored, and then feeling angry because I’m bored because I’m not delegated enough responsibilities
  • most of my projects don’t seem to fucking launch
  • terrible way things are run
  • still not delegated enough responsibilities after I emailed my boss about it
  • still no response to the aforementioned email
  • feeling like a distraction whenever I talk to my boss
  • my boss not confronting me even after she notices I’m not all that happy to be at work
  • feeling like an afterthought to everyone else in the office.

Under reasons for staying:

  • I like some of my coworkers
  • I like working with these coworkers
  • some projects are kind of cool
  • having a short commute to work is nice
  • somewhat lenient vacation time
  • almost a year and I want my fucking raise

Truthfully, the last two are really what’s holding me back from going full-force job hunting mode. That, and the fact that I need to redo my portfolio–which I don’t want to do at all. I’ve been wondering to myself:  how much of a raise will they give me? 3%? 10%? If it’s something shitty like 3% then they can go fuck themselves because I’ll be leaving. 10% is still not anywhere near what I think I deserve, but I guess it’s something. I’m fairly certain that unless things get better for me, anything less than 15% is not going to make me stay. I doubt things will get better. I think what I’m looking for is authority to make some decisions without having to go through my boss. I get that sometimes it’s necessary, but really it’s because she’s the one that knows all the information about a project so she has that kind of visibility into the whole project. This conveniently means she’s way too involved in shit and doesn’t have time to share anything more than what’s necessary for me to do my work– and sometimes she doesn’t even do that. Sometimes I make shit up on my own. Do I have the authority to do that? I technically don’t, but she treats those situations like I do. Make up your fucking mind:  how much responsibility/authority/power do you want to give me? Because I’m fucking confused and it’s screwing with my mind.

Sometimes I get into these moods where I’m pretty zen about this shitty situation I’m in, and find myself on the edge of thinking I’m just being a little bitch. But then shit happens and my boss does something that just reinforces that she’s just being an inconsiderate cunt, and then my whole fucking day is just ruined. Today is one of those days. When I leave this place, and if the reason for me leaving is still primarily my boss, I really want to tell her why to her face.  “Look, I like you as a person, but you’re just not a good boss. You’re better than otherGuyInChargeOfOtherDepartment, but you still suck. You’re a VP; hire some more people so you’re not trying to do everything yourself. You pretty much had one subordinate that you truly oversee–me, and you did a shit job at it.” I often wonder what kind of person would be best suited for this job:  someone more senior than me, or someone more junior than me? I still can’t come to a conclusion. If there was someone more senior than me, that wouldn’t work because my boss can’t seem to let go of some of her job because it all seems to mix together. If there was someone more junior than me, they’d be too fucking lost to be of any use. So that leaves me. The bitch taking this seemingly quiet, passive-aggressive abuse from my boss. I really do just want to punch her teeth in.

But in more happier news, I believe that it’s that time of year again where I start considering where I want to go for my Year End Trip this time. Right now, I’m considering France or England. The duration of this year’s trip is also something to consider, which might ultimately help me narrow down where I can go. Maybe I’ll just go long enough to spend NYE somewhere, rather than go for 2 weeks like usual. But that doesn’t sound too fun right now. Right now, I just want to get the fuck out of here. Will I always be this bitter and hateful everywhere I go?

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