Just Beneath the Surface

January 17, 2014

I like to think the new year has started off on a mostly positive note. It sounds a bit silly to say, but I think my new year’s resolution to “que sera, sera” the shit out of this year is slowly ingraining itself into my personality in such a way that the concept of being myself all the time is ok, and that I shouldn’t need to feel that I must scrutinize everything I want to say. This doesn’t make much sense to me when I reread that because I’m slightly high, but the following anecdote might explain it better.

One time in college, my friend had a friend visiting him. We were going to hang out together later that night after they’d arrive. Naturally, I asked a few questions about them, and one of his responses struck me as incredibly profound, and has actually changed my way I see the world (slightly, of course; not hyperbolize). He said to me:  “Ask them yourself in person.” “Why don’t I ask them this myself?” I thought. Obviously if I did so, I’d have something to say that would likely start a conversation– however short it may be. It’s carrying over into everything I say now (not just questions) such that I don’t feel so self-conscious about what people are going to say when I talk to people, which ultimately makes us both feel less awkward if they’re contributing too. That question he asked me helped me start so many conversations with people, and changed the way people perceive me, and I’m forever grateful about that.

Lately, I’ve been around people a lot more than usual because of work and my new teaching assistant gig. I feel less of a yearning for aloneness, and more for socializing. For human interaction. I hate that that sounds so depressing, sad, and pathetic, but I know I don’t perceive it like that. It’s more about the fact that I’m becoming ok with knowing that I’m not impervious to the need for companionship, and that I realize independence isn’t a lifestyle as much as it is simply a characteristic of my personality. I’m happy about this transition that I feel/think I’m in and I hope that it continues down the path that leads me to new adventures. “90% of life is showing up.”

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