Beast of Burden

February 16, 2015

I expressed my feelings to my coworker this past Tuesday afternoon, on one of our typical smoke breaks. I took a puff and then just told her. To be honest, everything that happened after that was a bit of a blur. Telling a girl who I genuinely care about that I like her puts me in such primal survival state of mind that I can’t seem to perfectly recall the incident– pathetic, is my point. Let me just break it down as so:

  • she turned me down
  • she said “she thought about it”
  • her reasons against it included “it’d be weird dating a coworker,” “I wouldn’t want to ruin anything between us,” and “now’s just not a good time in my life”
  • she said something about me being her good friend and then went on a diatribe about how she was really missing her guy friends from home the other day, and then tied that back to her needing me as a friend (as I interpreted it)

So, needless to say, I’ve been feeling bit blue. The remainder of the week just dragged on; it wasn’t horrible and I wasn’t completely devastated or anything like that. I really just didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be around my coworker or even hear her voice cuz it would just make me think of the crappy emotional slump I’m having to endure until that moment I finally snap out of it and move on. But, being the beautiful spirit that she is (or, y’know, a normal mature adult), she acted like nothing happened and was, in fact, a smidge chummier than usual. I read that as her trying to let me know that she’s not gonna be weird about it if I’m not. Sure. But, damn, it’s hard.

“You know, I thought about it,” she said. She could have thought about it for a split second for all I know, but I see that as hope. This is, of course, the wrong thing to be thinking, and I completely understand that. The problem is that the thought doesn’t seem that easy to let go at the moment. So, given my disdain for work itself lately, and the recent events between me and my coworker, I’m just about done here. I officially finished updating my portfolio, and I actually applied to two jobs. I figure, worse case scenario: they decline.

However, I’m enjoying the fact that this is a three day weekend for me. I just bought a bike today off of Craigslist for $70. I think I got a bargain. Call it my quarter-life crisis, akin to that of my mid-life crisis where I’ll have worked my way up to a real motorcycle. But in all seriousness, I’ve been meaning to get one so I can get to close places that are far by walking standards. Other than that, Chuck Klosterman has been keeping me company the past few days. Reading is starting to become therapeutic, and I think it’s great because I don’t read enough. I’m picking up hiking, too. So tomorrow (or today, rather), I’ll be going to Topanga State Park. Apparently it’s the tits. I just need to get out more.

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