Swing Lo Magellan

March 23, 2015

There is this uncomfortable feeling I’ve been feeling lately that seemed to have come on shortly after that whole coworker episode I outlined in my last entry. This feeling isn’t entirely new, though. It wasn’t entirely brought on by the incident itself, only in part. Perhaps you’ve felt it, too; that feeling of helplessness, knowing that you are alone in your own mind controlling this entity–this human being– known as yourself. I recall experiencing this existential thought as a kid (age 7 or 8 is what’s coming to mind, but who knows if that’s accurate). That particular instance of helplessness yielded 25% depression, 30% confusion, and 45% fear. It was enough fear to understand that I probably don’t want to think about it. And so I didn’t for the most part. I guess it’s now coming more to the forefront of my thoughts, and it’s now woven into these more mature themes that comprise my life and how it affects them.  Nowadays, whenever I have that thought, the numbers work themselves out to be something along the lines of 80% depression, 1% confusion, 9% fear, and 10% optimism (fear and optimism often teeter back and forth between 9% and 10% depending on my mood). I’m not sure where I was going to go with this post, because clearly I have no resolution.

I guess what I need to get out is what I want. What do I want to do with my life? Is it enough to just have a good job and be living comfortably? I read an article today about how we’re all depressed because the standard for happiness has been raised high as fuck.* “The grass is greener on the other side.” I essentially try to quell the uneasiness I’ve been experiencing by reminding myself to enjoy the ride. In framing my life in that perspective, it becomes easier to cope with everything because I understand that this is slump is fleeting in the grand scheme of things. Perspective. That’s probably what the takeaway here is. I might sleep better tonight after I repeat “What’s the fucking rush?” a few time.

— an argument can certainly be made for rushing, though! And that’s where this whole vicious cycle gets its viciousness, so I’ll end it there, otherwise I could keep going back and forth saying the same shit over and over again. (Like I haven’t done that already.)

* It’s a pretty loose interpretation, but that’s essentially the message.

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