February, April Said

May 4, 2015

I was going to say that I believe this to be a pivotal moment in my life, but I don’t think that’s quite it. A more correct way of phrasing it is to probably say that this is nearing the end of a life-changing chapter in my life. As I’m finally taking more serious steps in changing jobs, I feel like I’ll be leaving behind a part of my identity as well. Life since I started this job has been interesting to say the least. Lots of growing happened. And as a result, I’ve grown pretty sentimentally attached to where I am now. It’s definitely a similar feeling to the one I had when I left the last company. It’s a mix of readiness and apprehension.

Readiness
Shit’s been slow at work. Real, real slow. On one hand, the news is that we have some big projects from big clients coming in– or are in the works, anyways. But as of late, I’ve practically been paid to do nothing. The office has changed ever since we got back from our last Winter vacation. The pace is completely different, and the dynamics in the office seems a bit off kilter. I think, though, that maybe it’s just the former influencing me in a way that causes the latter. Despite my frequent boredom at work, I don’t talk to my coworkers as much as I used to. Maybe it’s me trying to justify my job search; “It’ll be easier to leave by not being so attached to them”, I think to myself. It’s likely that I’m also partially influenced by what happened between me and Lynn (or lack of what happened, hah). I love her as a friend and as a person, about as much as I love my close friends. But these other feelings– romantic feelings– are getting in the way. And so it’s hard to be that good friend I try to be without those other emotions becoming louder unless I completely avoid any contact with her. So yeah, maybe I’m ready to leave because I need to forget about someone, more than I need to leave because I’m not growing any skills where I am now.

Apprehension
I’m nervous about leaving. As stated above, I ain’t done shit in the past few months, and so I worry that my skills are extremely subpar at the moment. I’m slowly reminded of all the effort I need to start making as I transition from sloth mode I’ve been in for the last few months, to normal working human being mode. Not only that, I gotta make new friends again. What if my new coworkers suck? And then the commute. That’s gonna suck if my coworkers don’t. I’m going to lose a lot of comforts I have now, and the only thing moving me forward is Mr. Feeny’s garden metaphor, and the need to feel like I’m accomplishing something again. Can’t rest of my laurels.

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