But We Always Seem to Just Fallout

October 27, 2015

Something is telling me to write in this thing, and so here I am. Unlike a couple of posts I’ve typed up but never published this year, I think I will publish this post regardless of what gibberish I end up pouring out onto this here text editor.

I suppose the best place to start is at where I left off in my last post, in which Lynn was leaving work to go to another company, and things were uncertain at work. The work thing has somewhat resolved: we definitely got acquired by a bigger agency, and yes, it appears we were on the brink of going out of business (perhaps due to poor management and business decisions). Things at work continued to be slow since the acquisition, with interactive work only barely starting to pick up. I continue to question my role in this company, and my existence in general– the former of which is to blame for the latter– but have slowly started to cope with the happenings (or lack thereof) in my life.

I know it’s premature for me to reflect on 2015 already, but boy oh boy, fuck a duck, am I ready for this year to pass. It has been an emotional drain for me despite how little I accomplished. The “emotional drain” wasn’t the cause of “how little I accomplished”, and vice-versa, but they were both certainly symbiotic in terms of magnifying the effects of one another. Work never did pick back up since the year started, to the golden days of work where I was constantly productive, which has changed me into a lethargic, slow, unmotivated, chump. That has been pretty tough for me to handle mentally, in addition to the whole Lynn situation.

The Lynn situation should be considered a closed case, but I can’t seem to “close” it because I’m a dumb, masochistic, piece of shit. I want to be over her, but it’s been a struggle since she is by far the best concert buddy I’ve ever had. That’s hardly the main reason why I can’t get over her, though. Of course it’s because I like being around her, which is why I’m trying so hard to be her friend and ignore the pull of attraction and romantic garbage I think and feel when I think of her. I’ve already started to feel like we’re slowly growing more and more distant since she’s stopped working here. I’ve realized a lot of what we talked about was about work. And since she doesn’t work there anymore, nor do many of the people we talk about, conversation doesn’t seem as substantial as it once did. This makes me sad because it feels like something special ended. On the other hand, it’s my way out, or the start of a new phase of my friendship with her; who knows. For now, there is no plan other than be a good friend. Maybe I’ll ask her out again next year if I still have such strong feelings for her. If I do and she still turns me down, I don’t know how I could still be her friend without going crazy. Inevitably she’s going to talk about guys she’s dating, and it’s going to feel horrible, like it already feels whenever she briefly mentions it in passing now. And perhaps that’s what scares me the most: I don’t know how to, or even if I can, be her friend if she’s with another guy– but I want to.

My inability to cultivate a romantic relationship with Lynn has made me reflect on my romantic life in general. And in that sense, I suppose it has propelled me towards the right direction in terms of opening up and putting myself out there. I cringe at that phrase, but I know it’s what I have to do. I find myself doing that, but slowly. Truth be told, it’s exhausting and tedious, and almost doesn’t seem worth it. In the meantime, I’ve also been trying to be a better friend, so I’ve been putting more effort into maintaining those friendships. My hope is that, despite what happens in 2016 career-wise, I’ll still have a more interesting life because I travel more, accomplish (or at least start working towards) my other interests, and have more meaningful friendships. 2015 so far has just felt overwhelmingly like a quarter-life crisis, another low-point in my life, a dress rehearsal for who knows what, and a waste of time. I am so over this.

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