Let’s Be at Peace, We’ll Fly

December 31, 2015

It looks like I made it to the end of another year. And to say the absolute least, 2015 sucked. It was really just a bummer all around. So, jumping right in:

The foundation for shitty basically started with work, and how it was never the same after coming back from Christmas vacation at the start of this year. Things were clearly going downhill. Then, in February, I told Lynn that I wanted to be more than friends and was promptly rejected. As much as I hate to admit it, I think that that really fucked me up– more than my crappy work situation at times. That whole situation was (and still is) an ongoing struggle to move past her, and it brought about a slew of emotional and general mental issues I’ve had throughout the year. It didn’t help that I went to lots of concerts with her, which just confused me even more. I struggled with maintaining emotional stability the whole year, basically because of Lynn. It ended up affecting my mood and outlook on things, pulling into various bouts of depression here and there. That really seems like it was the bulk of my mental year. It was just exhausting. I did move apartments, from the first floor to the second, and I think that that’s been one of the more positive experiences this year.

Well, to be fair, I guess not everything was complete shit. I did genuinely enjoy whatever time I spent with Lynn at concerts like FYF. And I do feel like I’ve grown as a person, in terms of maturity, sociability, and resilience. I like to think that I made more of an effort to be more outgoing. Hell, I actually went on a date with a girl I met online; there’s progress if I ever saw any.

And 2016? I think I’m a little overwhelmed by what 2016 may have in store, strictly because of how very, very crappy 2015 was. I have a lot to recover from. Let’s take a look at some of them:

Lynn. Honestly, I thought about asking her out again around the year mark of when I first did it. The stupid part of me still has hope, but the realistic me is screaming angrily for stoned me (for which I am most of the time) to move on. She might leave her company she works for now and come back. To be honest, I’m mostly sad and don’t want that to happen. It’s been about a month and a half since I last saw her, and I think I’m slowly (and I do mean slowly) getting over her. I recently made it a point to not encourage hanging out whenever we text, and to just be friendly and a bit removed. She’s not really good at keeping contact either, so we haven’t communicated much lately anyways. If she comes back, though, it’s going to be really tough for me. I hope I get over her completely by then, because I may just have to tell her we can’t be friends.

Work is going to be a whole new beast. I’m kind of excited, kind of scared. Either of those are better than feeling unfulfilled at work. I’m hoping we get more relevant work, and I’m hoping I start working on things I’m proud of. I really have no idea what to expect; I just hope I don’t regret sticking around for the acquisition.

Lots of hope and hoping, so far. Continuing on:

I need to travel more. This year, I’m not even going to force the “international” aspect onto it. Any travel will do. I want to camp more. I want to do weekend trips more. I need to just get out of the city. I feel like I waited around too much in 2015, which was reminiscent of 2011 me. I had waited around for other people to do things with, but then I dialed that back a few years ago. But I found myself reverting back to my old ways in 2015. Time to dial that back again in 2016. I need some control back.

These past few months have been a struggle emotionally. My loneliness was annoying to have constantly on my mind, and I found myself really trying to “figure it out” to whatever extent that it would ameliorate the dull sensation of having nothing to grab onto for support, for companionship. I don’t have it figured out by any means yet, but I feel like I’ve made progress towards figuring it out eventually. Interestingly enough, I was compelled to research how Buddhists address loneliness after reading about the guitarist from Stone Temple Pilots describing a memory of them on their tour bus that really spoke about how lonely Scott Weiland was despite being surrounded by family and friends, which presumably was the reason for his demise from his overdose. Anyways, that’s just to say that I don’t want to be that lonely. And if I am that lonely, I want to be able to deal with it objectively. Like I said, I think I’ve made small progress within the past few weeks, and I hope there will be more soon enough.

And lastly: the state of the world. Too much hate. Too much fear. Too much ignorance. Too much violence. What a terrible way to live.

So that’s my annual year-end wrap up. 2015 sucked. 2016 will be better.

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