Love Barely Alive

June 15, 2016

I had attempted to break off all communication with Lynn a few months ago and was successful up until yesterday. Outside of the birthday card I sent her and a handful of texts I made to blow off her invitations to hang out, I was doing alright. But as it winds down closer to the Real Estate concert, I became more and more saddened by the fact that the only person I’d want to go with has been unwillingly but voluntarily banished from my life. What obviously proceeded to happen was that I started thinking more about her, and then remembered how crappy it feels to miss her. I caved. “Progress is negligible. Still want you. Still miss you.” A minute later I followed up: “Still sucks.”

I was hit with a huge wave of anxiety immediately afterwards and had to focus on my breathing to snap myself out of it. At this point I felt regret, and still do, as a matter of fact. I regret that I was selfish and made my problem hers, and probably made her feel terrible for thinking she’s the one causing this situation when in fact it’s me– the one who can’t control my damn feelings and emotions. But this morning I woke up still with regret, but feeling a little relieved for what I have done. Perhaps it’s that I feel like I’ve made it clear again that I still have feelings for her, and that she will have to finally accept that she can’t continue to send me texts every once in a while like we’re still chums, or give dating me a try (This sounds incredibly scummy, to be certain, but fuck, man. I’m only human. I have feelings, too.)

At this point, there is still no reply. I’m mostly not expecting a reply, but part of me is also thinking that a reply is possible, and that she’s just processing what I’ve said like she did when I texted her that we can’t hang out anymore. That time, it took her about 2 days to get back to me, and I had said nothing to warrant a reply, much like I did this time. So we’ll see. My original plan was to text her that I miss her, to feel the waters, and invite her to the Real Estate concert either way. But now I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll be ok going with someone else. That relief is starting to settle in, and maybe I’m starting to accept her silence as a firm rejection, because her lack of outright rejection and her constant overly-friendly gestures really just confused the shit out of me to be perfectly honest, and that’s what kills me.

As the verse in this great Weezer song goes, “To my love we’ll say goodbye, to the things we’ll never try.”


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