April 20, 2017

I had a very vivid dream yesterday night that involved Lynn. It was one of those dreams where the premise is unrealistic but there aren’t any absurdities that would otherwise give it away that it’s a dream. And as such, it left quite an impression on me. To be honest, I’m not sure what I’m feeling exactly, but that’s perhaps because it’s an amalgamation of things. As the day goes on and I repeatedly try to reply the entire dream sequence in my head, I find that I’m much of it is fading but that one section of it is still mostly intact.

I’ve been meditating daily since the new year, and I think it’s had a noticeable effect on me. My feelings about things haven’t really changed, but my outlook on them certainly have. Occasional bouts of loneliness still occur, but it’s no longer much of an option as a path down a depressive episode as it once was. The complex situation that is my work life and career are still something I think about (out of sheer duty), but I’m able to mind the emotions it stirs up in me much less when it inevitably happens.

“What do I want?”
Job searching has been really shitty. I had one interview which went great but ended up being a freelance gig. Haven’t gotten any replies from anything else. At this point, I’m just so not thrilled about what I do for work. And I ponder whether going to a better company will change anything. It will, I’m sure. Things will feel fresh and exciting until one day I’ll realize I hate where I work again. I want to do something else but I don’t even know what. That’s really what the issue is.


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