Lush Life

December 27, 2014

I knew I’d dread it this month when I would realize I didn’t post much at all this year. But I honestly don’t think that it’s due to a lack of things to talk about. On the contrary, I feel as though this year was so incredibly eventful that I didn’t have much time/energy to update this blog. I see that as a good thing, though. As I noted in a previous post this year, I think that the decline in posts means that “I’m finally doing enough interesting shit with my life such that no one thing is worth blogging about.” I think it’s safe to say that that’s certainly a large part of it. While I wasn’t officially cataloguing everything like I usually do, I was out and about trying to be a more exciting person. That’s probably a good way of summing up 2014.

As usual, it frightens me how quickly the year passed. But, despite having only 8 blog posts this year (not including this one), I’m reminded of how much stuff occurred. Let’s go over some notable ones in no particular order (a.k.a. ones I actually remember):

Teaching, Coachella, FYF, so many concerts in general (most of which were with good company), learning to love camping (Point Mugu, Zion, Joshua Tree), thinking about my coworker (a lot), weed, podcasting, completely blacking out for the first time from drinking (that was quite a memorable night– not that I remember much), World Cup, my grandma’s death, and just lots of interesting events and happenings in general.

I’d venture to say that my goals and plans (or lack thereof) for 2014 that I came up with around the same time last year turned out to be mostly successful. I had said that “for 2014, I’ll forgo any expectations and let myself act on impulse.” Much of that was easily accomplished by simply saying “yes” more often, and agreeing to do things despite my natural inclination of not wanting to. While I don’t think I completely allowed myself to do that all the time, I do think that I did it enough times to say that 2014 was a crucial year for me as I tried to be the type of person I want to be, and that other people want to be around, too. I certainly hope to continue to work on that in 2015.

So what should I make of 2015? At this point: nothing. Outside of self-improvement, there’s not much else I have planned. The thought of forecasting the year ahead seems a bit daunting, and makes me feel a bit apprehensive, to be honest. Perhaps it’s me finally embracing the potential in myself to do whatever the hell I want as long as I put all my effort into it. Or, perhaps it’s the polar opposite; maybe I don’t gots shit, and now I’m just scared. This certainly wouldn’t be the first time I’ve pondered the thought of “what comes next?” There’s no clear and visible sign-post of what my next goal in life should be. I suppose it’s really whatever I want the goal to be, but the problem lies in the fact that I’m not really sure what I want next. At this point, and probably for a very long while, I think I’m just supposed to live life and do whatever the moment calls for. If I really had to define a goal for 2015, though, I think I will go on record and say that it’s to be happy. Not just content– or the momentary happiness I feel when I’m around the people I love, or doing the things enjoy– but to have this underlying, genuine happiness that makes life more interesting. I think 2014 laid a pretty good foundation for this goal, so maybe it isn’t unrealistic.

I hope to pick up my international travel habits again next year. That’s actually probably my biggest goal for 2015 (potentially 2016), now that I mention it. I’m thinking about traveling to Patagonia for no particular reason other than I want to, and that it looks beautiful there. And if all goes well, I’d be traveling with another person (or several!). But I’m not gonna get my hopes up. Realistic goals and expectations are the name of the game.

I don’t know the frequency of which I’ll be posting to this here blog in 2015. It may end up being more frequent, or worse than 2014. If it’s worse than 2014, then I hope it’s because so many good things are going on that I no longer need to stew and troubleshoot my life issues/events on this quasi-public forum.

I won’t be in town the last few days of December to post this rumination on a more appropriate day (that is, on a day that’s closer to NYE). I hope, though– whoever you are that happens to be reading this– that you have a great new year. Maybe we’ll cross paths in 2015 and not even know it.


As Far As I Can See

November 7, 2014

I’m fairly certain that my coworker (Lana*) knows I like my other coworker (Lynn*), which would mean that I’ve been pretty obvious. So, that would mean Lynn should know. But I don’t read that in her at all. Even if Lynn didn’t come to the realization herself, I’m pretty sure Lana would’ve brought it up in conversation since they’re somewhat close. Or maybe not? Or maybe I’m just blind as a fuck to any signal she’s sending, good or bad. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised. I read people pretty well when I’m focused (read: not high), but not at all when it comes to flirting or personal relationships. Shit god damn. I think I just figured it out. I’m high, like, 80% of the time I’m around her, so no wonder I can’t tell what the hell she’s thinking. That and the fact she’s also high 80% of the time she’s around me, so who knows where her head actually goes when she’s super baked.

Anyways, I’m starting to potentially over-read everything she says and does to me now. She has been close, but kind of snappy with me lately. I’m starting to realize that many things I say come across as dick-ish. I have Lynn to thank for that, because she’s been snapping back at things I say and then ending it with, “you dick!” All of this in her joking voice, of course. This makes me think: “Wow, does all the shit I say come across that offensively?” and “Hmm, is she flirting, strictly joking, or really calling me out?”– both at the same time.

I’ve partially not made a move because I know she’s very particular about her single life right now. Perhaps not so much because she doesn’t want a relationship or not want to date, but because she’s always so damn busy. But she likes the hustle, and knows what she wants to do, and knows that she can do it (traits about her I like a lot). As such, I’ve kept some distance, but now maybe it’s been enough time? Or maybe it’s the wrong time.

^^ This is why I’m single.

* Not their real name. C’mon, when have I ever even used a name on this blog?

Something Good

October 24, 2014

I keep thinking to myself that this week sucks, but in reality it’s been one particular project that has been making me want to punch something. Here’s the abridged version of what’s been going down:  I have been leading a project that has been planned out really poorly, and with such a short and aggressive timeline. Eventually, it got to a point where I didn’t know what else to do because I wasn’t getting enough information, and I didn’t have enough time to actually learn the material to do my job. So I raise these concerns to the new managing director, and she keeps responding like I’m over-complicating things and being difficult. I practically lose my cool and leave the meeting feeling incredibly hopeless because, at this point, I’m supposed to be finishing off the project. And in my mind, this project and the work I’ve done so far is useless. After that meeting, I walk into my boss’ office and tell her the situation, and how I’m really annoyed at the uninformed and moronic planning and scoping of this project, and how I’ve been backed into a corner and have no idea what to do. Luckily, my boss had my back and ended up talking to the managing director herself, telling her we need to do this project differently. One thing led to another, and now things are running a little more smoothly.

Despite all the shit I’ve talked about her in the past, I’ve come to realize that it’s all still kind of true. However, at least now I realize why. She has been consistently placed in shitty situations, and has, in fact, almost quit on a few occasions. Sometimes I go days without talking to my boss, and generally don’t have many deep conversations with her very frequently. So when I do, it’s nice to get a different perspective on things. I’m nearly certain that if she were to ever leave, I would likely leave soon after, too. Mostly because I don’t think I would be able to fill her role and do a good job, and partly because I would be losing what I feel is the only person who understands the way I think and can decipher what I’m trying to say even when I don’t know how to say it. Also, it would be because no one else there shares my vision for how I want to shape the department and my role in it, nor does anyone else understand it. I’ve given up on trying to evangelize my career to an agency that is stuck in a process that’s simply fucked because money is drastically more important than the quality of work.

Untitled 26

August 23, 2014

Does your foot scrape the floor every single time you walk even though you’re perfectly capable of picking up your feet? Yes? Then fuck you.

Does it sound like you’re stomping when you walk even though you’re perfectly capable of walking normally? Yes? Then fuck you.

Did you find a way to answer ‘no’ to any of the above? Yes? Then you’re still an asshole. And, oh, fuck you.

Learn how to walk like a normal human being, you fucking pieces of shit.

Untitled 25

August 8, 2014

Honestly, I don’t fuckin’ know. I feel stuck. Or I feel like I’m going through mental growing pains.

The World Is in Your Hands, or It’s at Your Throat

June 22, 2014

Looks like the last time I posted something was about two months ago. That span of time actually feels a whole lot longer than it really was because of how many things that went on during it. I don’t quite remember every little thing that occurred, but let me try to recant some of the major events for record-sake.

In my last post, I had just returned from Coachella. I ended up feeling depressed the whole week due to a bad come-down after a whole weekend of being high and drunk, and hanging out with Molly for the first time (which, by the way, there really was a Molly; but no, not referring to her). After my serotonin levels returned to normal, my 2014 Coachella memory seemed to be a bit more of a happy one, albeit still a blur.

I then went camping with my friends at a state beach north of Malibu a few weekends afterwards. That was great, even if it was kind of short. I arrived Saturday afternoon after driving in traffic for a few hours. Once I was on PCH, though, I didn’t mind the drive so much. A few of my friends and I slept on the beach, on a tarp, in just a sleeping bag, which was fun. The less adventurous ones slept in a tent. It was short trip, so Sunday, we had a little breakfast and then left the camp grounds by 11am.

The following week was also eventful. My friend from college was in town, so we had dinner together to celebrate her graduating from optometry school. It was nice seeing her again. Then, a Tycho concert with my coworker on Wednesday, and then a La Sera concert Thursday. Friday was spent stressing out over the class/workshop I had to teach the next day. That turned out to be a dud since only two people showed up. Still, it was a good experience, and I got paid– even if it was a little. Mother’s Day also happened the next day.

The next Saturday was my friend’s graduation. And then Sunday was my cousin’s son’s birthday. That was particularly a “big deal” since I haven’t seen any of my cousins in person in over 5 years (I think it might’ve been 7). It was cool to see them again and talk to them now, being an adult and all. It was surreal being in their parents’ house that I grew up in, and seeing all my cousin’s kids playing like I did back in the day. Shit really made me feel old and disconnected.

The following few weeks after that were hectic as all hell at work. The workload would pour in all at once, and then there’d be a lull where I was looking for shit to do. Then it would repeat. I spent most of those weeks in one of those states where I was just in a rhythm of working, eating, and sleeping, and nothing more. I also did some thinking about work. There was an instance where I just wanted to quit again, but after much thought, laziness and reason overcame, and I arrived at the conclusion that I won’t put any conscious effort into actively looking for a new job because really, is it going to be that much better at another agency? I seem to have an in here, and my boss seems to respect me, so I figured I should try to make those most out of this job/position while I’m here, and hope that my next move isn’t just lateral.

What also helped me arrive at that decision was the fact that I started another side project. There was much discussion about doing a podcast about one of our favorite shows for a while now, and this time we were really going to start it. So, before we actually started to record, my friends and I each had tasks to do. I had to do all the technical shit, so that took up a large chunk of my time that I probably would have spent looking for a job (or sulking at how work sucks). While the podcast has temporarily ceased to be as much of a time-suck that it was before we started recording, it’s still a fun time commitment that I have to be aware of as I plan everything else that’s going on.

I spent the next Saturday with my friends again, celebrating one them getting married. We consumed lots of alcohol and had a good time. I spent Sunday recovering.

Meanwhile, in the past week or two, I had an email conversation going on with my sister’s coworker who is looking to make an app and needed a developer and a designer. I made it clear that I was neither, but would help her with strategy and user experience design if she wanted me to. We eventually met in person, and it sounds like she was happy to work with me. Her idea wasn’t exactly groundbreaking, but her ideas regarding monetizing it seemed pretty genius, so I think there really might be something to it. She said she would send over paperwork by the weekend, but she hasn’t done so yet. I think she’s flying to Europe cuz her boss is on tour there, so I’m guessing she hasn’t had time to yet. Assuming that wasn’t her way of letting me down, I think this project will take up a decent amount of my time.

And of course, the World Cup started. So far, it’s been a great World Cup to watch just because it’s been so damn unpredictable. You start watching a match thinking you have a good idea who’s gonna lose, and then that team scores like crazy and ends up winning. Nail biters, for sure.

So with my freelance stuff, the podcast, and helping my friend out with teaching here and there, I like to think I’ll be keeping pretty busy for a while. Hopefully it’s enough to preoccupy my mind with more productive thoughts than those of trying to seduce my coworker.

No Cars Go

April 21, 2014

I just came back from Coachella, and feel don’t feel as euphoric about it as I had hoped. On one hand, it was much more fun than it was last year. On the other hand, I get the sense that I was just weird the whole time. To make matters worse, I think Coachella was the last “hurrah” before things get crazy for me. It’s not necessarily crazy that’s caused by being busy, but a combination of that and stress– which pretty much gives me anxiety.

Work – I don’t know what to expect going back to work tomorrow. I like that I’d be returning to something I’ve already gotten used to. I’m starting to wonder if I actually fit in there, though. The work is not what I want to be doing. And by extension, the work is making it such that I hate the people I have to work with. And since the whole office is busy with stupid projects, I feel like my office friends and I lost each other to work. It’s like any inkling of happiness I had for the place has slowly died as we got more and more social media projects and these stupid games. It certainly doesn’t help that I’m doing work that isn’t all that pertinent to my skill set except for my ability to tolerate bitch work.

Teaching – I need to buy Omnigraffle 6, learn it, and then create an hour and a half lesson plan. I’m nervous about it, but I don’t think there’ll be a shit ton of people there, so maybe it won’t be so bad. I just keep thinking back to the lessons I tried teaching during class, and everyone’s lethargic attitude towards it. Gotta pretend I have a ton of energy and enthusiasm for the subject I guess.

Job search – one of the companies that reached out to me sent me a rejection email, most likely because I was asking for too much. I guess that’s fine because I didn’t really want to work there anyways (and I mean that sincerely). My old co-worker’s sister works at another agency, though, and said they’re in need of another UX designer. I’ve been really on the fence about whether or not to apply, particularly because I get a sense that I’d have a good chance of getting it if I applied. But the question is:  do I really want to leave where I am now for that place? Will I be happy if I leave for there? After Coachella, and thinking about how I feel about work, my coworkers, and knowing for a fact the coworker that I went to Coachella with and who I have the hots for, doesn’t want a relationship and so on and so forth, I don’t feel as attached to that place as I once was. Is it the end of the world if I left things just up to my boss? Probably? But she’s going through some shit, too, and I kinda don’t want to be around to experience it. The environment at work has just gotten to be way too weird for me. It’s a mix of politics, drama, with an air of comedy that keeps it kind of light.

Miscellaneous – Everyone’s graduating again, and while I am in full support of my friends and their accomplishments, the lazy part of me doesn’t want to go. I’m also supposed to create a website for our podcast we’re doing, but haven’t had time to do anything for it yet. My mind has been filled with all of these to-dos from work, my parents, and everything in between, that I’m getting overwhelmed.

Coachella – I almost forgot to talk about Coachella. To reiterate: it was better than last year. It was fun. It was weird. I don’t know if I’d do it again unless people really want me to go. It’s just too much sometimes. I’m bummed about my mind being preoccupied the whole weekend, and it annoys me that I think it took some enjoyment out of the weekend. Still, despite how much of a blur it was, I’m glad I went. I think I needed it.

Cured of Youth

March 26, 2014

I’ve neglected my blog for a couple of months now, but it doesn’t seem that way. It’s hard to believe that my last post was in January. Since then, I feel like much has happened, but nothing that compelled me to pour my thoughts and feelings into a blog post. What saddens me is that I’m pretty sure I’ll see the demise of this blog by the end of the year. It could be that I’m finally doing enough interesting shit with my life such that no one thing is worth blogging about. In that sense, it’s not so bad. It’s progress. I hope that’s the case. Or perhaps what I’m witnessing is a shift in the way my mind processes things. Maybe I’m not prone to as much erratic thoughts and emotions as I was just a few years ago. I read somewhere that your brain transforms as you age by creating new connections and breaking off old ones–or something along those lines–such that you don’t have the same mindset. I’m starting to believe that’s the case, and it’s weird that I’m cognizant of it.

I attempted to look back and list some major events that has happened, but I came up rather short. It seems that I’ve been busy with mostly work and the teaching gig I had. The teaching stuff is finally done, and I’m glad. It was more commitment than I cared for, even though I always left class content that I went and had something productive to do on my Saturdays. I feel like it helped me a lot with my career in terms of networking and experience. I think it’ll help make my future (read: impending) job search much easier. So to sum that up, class: 12 weeks of commitment on top of work.

Singular events that filled in the gaps since January include my friend’s bachelor party (which led to a stranger coming to my apartment), hanging out with my coworker outside of work, visiting my friends in San Diego, having lunch with my other friend who was in town, and my my friend’s wedding reception. I suppose all that felt more substantial than it looks because of the significance they hold in my mind. It’s somewhat intensified by this foreboding sensation that change is coming.

It could be the entire month of April and all that is scheduled to happen that’s making me antsy, particularly Coachella. I’m pretty excited for that this year, particularly because I’ll be going with a different group of people, and I’m fairly certain they’ll be more rowdy than the group I went with last year.

Aside from that, work pains, annoyances with inconsiderate assholes in the form of upstairs neighbors, LA drivers, and LA people in general, all is well. Let’s hope things stay that way.

Just Beneath the Surface

January 17, 2014

I like to think the new year has started off on a mostly positive note. It sounds a bit silly to say, but I think my new year’s resolution to “que sera, sera” the shit out of this year is slowly ingraining itself into my personality in such a way that the concept of being myself all the time is ok, and that I shouldn’t need to feel that I must scrutinize everything I want to say. This doesn’t make much sense to me when I reread that because I’m slightly high, but the following anecdote might explain it better.

One time in college, my friend had a friend visiting him. We were going to hang out together later that night after they’d arrive. Naturally, I asked a few questions about them, and one of his responses struck me as incredibly profound, and has actually changed my way I see the world (slightly, of course; not hyperbolize). He said to me:  “Ask them yourself in person.” “Why don’t I ask them this myself?” I thought. Obviously if I did so, I’d have something to say that would likely start a conversation– however short it may be. It’s carrying over into everything I say now (not just questions) such that I don’t feel so self-conscious about what people are going to say when I talk to people, which ultimately makes us both feel less awkward if they’re contributing too. That question he asked me helped me start so many conversations with people, and changed the way people perceive me, and I’m forever grateful about that.

Lately, I’ve been around people a lot more than usual because of work and my new teaching assistant gig. I feel less of a yearning for aloneness, and more for socializing. For human interaction. I hate that that sounds so depressing, sad, and pathetic, but I know I don’t perceive it like that. It’s more about the fact that I’m becoming ok with knowing that I’m not impervious to the need for companionship, and that I realize independence isn’t a lifestyle as much as it is simply a characteristic of my personality. I’m happy about this transition that I feel/think I’m in and I hope that it continues down the path that leads me to new adventures. “90% of life is showing up.”

Holding On For Life

December 31, 2013

I’m not sure where to even start talking about 2013. It had its moments. I think I had 5 goals I listed out in last year’s final post, and I really only did 3. I suppose I just got sidetracked.

2013 was as follows (in no particular order):

First road trip in a while, and was pretty much my only taste of “traveling” I had this year. I occasionally think about how nice that city was and wonder what it would be like if I moved there.

This one was a mixed bag for me. It was lots of fun and a really cool experience, but it was also mixed with some “eh” emotions. To be fair, when do I not do anything without having any “eh” emotions?

lots of concerts
I went to a good amount of concerts this year– most of them alone. I have nothing bad to say about this one. I’m glad I did. FYF was also this year; I almost forgot. That was cool, too.

being more honest with myself
I like to think this was the case this year after rereading my posts. I’m not saying I’ve owned up to all my shortcoming and faults, but I did with some and I’m really trying to with the rest. I would say that this is a 2014 goal– to be completely honest with myself– but this shit is going to take more than a year, and I have bigger plans for 2014. More on that later.

work /career
I think I went from pissed-off to content over the course of a year. The performance review I had definitely helped, which in turn meant more money and more responsibility. I think they saved themselves from being overly swamped with work by giving me those things, because I think I would have cracked and left if they didn’t, which would have left them (particularly my boss) even more stressed than they have been these past few months. With that said, I never completely shut off the idea of leaving. I had some potential leads with recruiters and hiring managers, but nothing ever truly panned out.

I smoked an exorbitant amount of marijuana this year. There’s really not much else to say. I have done many things high and it was a great experience.

my own apartment
Probably my biggest accomplishment this year. After years of dreaming about truly living on my own, I finally did it. It has been wonderful.

not traveling this year
The things above all really mixed together despite how I’ve listed them out separately. The way that things panned out this past year, left me with less need for sudden drastic change, and thus less energy devoted to planning a trip. I want to say that I will definitely go somewhere next year, but I won’t. It’s just too hard to tell.

I think for once I’ll enter the new year with no defined goals or plans. Maybe it’s because of the conversation I had with my friend this past Sunday about how I’m in a good enough place to do whatever I want to, that’s making me feel like 2014 is going to be a big year. I have ideas of what I would love to do, but there are so many of them and they’re all so different that I don’t think I can truly define what I want anymore. So for 2014, I’ll forgo any expectations and let myself act on impulse.

These last posts of the year are becoming less and less special when I consider how short apart they feel. A year is starting to feel more like two months. This scares me because apparently your mid-twenties is when you really grow as a person. I don’t doubt the maturation part of that package, in terms myself. But, experientially, there are so many “bad decisions” (as my coworker tells me) waiting to be made. I just have to let myself make them.

I am more than sad that I won’t be wandering the streets of some foreign city again this New Year’s Eve. I still don’t know what I’ll be doing exactly around midnight, but I’m beginning to feel ok with it. It’s all part of the unknown I mentioned above.

Happy new year, everyone.